Single sigh. Double sigh sigh.. Triple sigh sigh sigh. Haiz. I think this the word that comes from me most often these few days. Sian!!! Who stole my good exam vibes sia...Mistakes after mistakes. Stupid and careless ones somemore. What have I been doing sia?!

I swear I really studied. Even idiots know that thats a fact. Buy WHY...thats the issue. Possible reasons:

1. Not enough sleep ( I had at least 7hours!)
2. Hunger ( I was a bit hungry, but I had breakfast)
3. Didnt study enough (Maybe lor.)
4. Stupidity (Maybe?)
5. Stubborness (A bit.)
6. No smart geeks in my exam vicinty for me to copy (I'm quite sure)
7. Tough paper (It sure was, but some mistakes were evitable)
8. Too distracted (Possible, but I did study)
9. Just couldn't think (Bingo!)
10. Carelessness (YES!)

There are actually more to add on to the list...but i lazy to think.
Come on, one more to go. If its still as lousy, then i'm really GG. I need an average of 4.2..come to me! I can forget about 4.5. It seems like 4.5 doesnt really like me. Sian.

I did study. I did put in the effort. I don't want to be classified in the same category as FLJW. Cos i'm different from him. And some other pple. I hope!

They say I have the character of an Air Faerie. LOL.

"The Air Faerie wants certain beauty products to make her more radiant. In return she will make your pet more swift."

Hahaha....

I slept so well last nite, that i think it couldnt be better.

Stumbled upon some photos on facebook. Not mine of cos. Noticed how some people's appearances have really changed so drastically while i still remained more or less the same. Wonder why some pple dare to do things that I don't and how they manage to get those things started in the 1st place. Opportunity and character. I won't deem the same stuff as an opportunity based on my character. I think its just sheer waste of time. Well....u cant change a person's character, so you can forget about the stuff that comes with it.

Read the same person's blog too. Sometimes I wonder if my blog is really that deserted. Maybe I brought it upon myself. I could have just informed the whole world of the existance of this La-La Land...but whats the point? You don't used to go round handing your diary to your friends and pple whom you hardly know right? Aiyo...dunno lah...its pple's character and what comes with it, isn't it?

1 week no go home le. :(

Today was my 1st paper. I rmb this was the day I had my physics A-levels too. It wasnt my 1st paper in NTU, but still I dun undstd what took me so long to fall asleep. And when i finally did, I had a bad bad dream...one of my worst nightmares ever.

I dreamt of a female ghost, long black hair covering the hair, white flowy dress, and everything else typical of a Zhen-zi look-alike. Anyway, I dreamt of her in my Hall toilet, saying this to me (I forgot if it was english or mandarin): you have come to look for me AGAIN. She was sort of strangling me or pulling me as she said that. I was struggling. I tried to shout, but no voice came out. Luckily I could still move my legs. I was kicking and struggling so violently that I finally woke up, exhausted from the ghost-human tug-o-war. I could even feel the force that had been exerted by her on me when I woke up. Everything was SO REAL! I was very scared.

The next peculiar thing that happened. My hp alarms didnt ring. I know this might be so common to others, but this is really queer in my case, but pple chose not to believe how strange it was. I was so afraid I couldnt wake up on time, thats why I set 2 alarms. These 2 alarms were the loyal ones that I have been using every single school day for the past one semester and they have NEVER failed me. This morning, BOTH DIDNT RING!!! I was very very sure, cos Qifen didnt hear them too. And if they had rang and i hadnt hear them, the alarm would have self-snoozed and rang 9 minutes later. I ended waking up at 8am instead of 7.15am/7.20am tt I have set. If my alarms did ring, I must be deaf not to hear them after like 10 times of ringing? Anyway, the timing still showed alarm set at 7.15am this morning. I found it particularly eerie esp after that ghostly nightmare I had prior to that.

So I switched off my hp during exam, and found myself not able to turn it on after exam. I had to take out the battery and the memory stick twice before it finally worked. Is my hp going to cmi soon? I hope not. Come on, Sony Ericsson, prove that you are value-for-money.

I'm so traumatised mentally. Seriously, I feel so tired now, but I'm now sleep-phobic. I'm so afraid that the same thing would happen tonight. I'm so afraid of being haunted. Goodness gracious!

Oh yeah man, 3 more days to exams. and I'm too being itchy-handed.

I have been revising BS104...which reminds me of JC bio...cos its really abt JC Bio and more. I don't understand whats wrong with NTU. Why cant they learn from NUS, SU aft the results are out? Do they really want to see us die of getting lousy grades or see us die of regretting making the wrong choices? It happens every sem and I have a hunch that its going to happen for the 3rd time!

Why didnt I SU the stupid module? It served me right for just taking 1 glimpse of the past year papers. I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN MORE GLIMPSES. What an idiot I was to make the wrong choice. Have I forgotten how much I hated bio in JC? Have I forgotten what hard time I've got memorising those bio notes? Have I even forgotten how I have never gotten beyond a B (or was it a C) in my entire JC life? So what with an A in the A-levels? It just meant that practice makes perfect. I didnt owe the miracle to the sudden boost in memory I had just before the paper. It was consistency, wasnt it?

So I have been dreaming. How can it be possible to refresh my memory of what I 've learnt in the entire 2 years within 1 semester? And now that the scope has widened such that i need to know the structures of all 20 different amino acids as a foundation, I think I really have been dreaming.

Einstein's theory of relativity. Good job, Albert. Just because i found the EE modules much more mundane and tough...just because i was landed into this course by accident...I found Bio relatively easier. It seems like I did forget all those points as mentioned above. I've really overestimated my passion and interest in the subject, let alone the knowledge and memory capacity I thot I was equipped with. And fear. Are the BS students really gonna do so much better than me? Are they really going to find papers that I find difficult, easy? What and who was I trying to prove wrong? I guess it was just myself.

Whats done cant be undone. Just try my best....what more can I do? When can the school review the SU system? Sigh.

TKK application (INSTEP)

Life is all about the unknown...the fear for the unknown. I cant believe I actually made such a daring and expensive move, but at least i thought that was a little bit helpful in getting one worry off my chest. So they did receive my application. But why identical stuff can yield unidentical results? Maybe its the way things are being carried out.

I have violated the rules. Just like law, rules are meant to be broken. But a criminal wont want to leave traces of evidence behind so that the police can nab him. I'm not a seasoned criminal, so I didn't know that. Or rather I was aware of that BUT I had to do that in order to set my mind at ease. Now its up to the person to hand the evidence over to the relevant authorities. I wonder what the consequences would be. I'm crossing my fingers that they are as patient and nice as they have sounded.

Its nothing serious. There's no need to call the police.

Chain reaction. I finally understand that, cos it happened to me. No big deal actually, just one sleepless night ---> headache and another sleepless night ---> headache and a limited sleep night ---> a tired day. I wonder what kind of night this eventually ends with.

Its gonna be exams soon! One of my last few hopes to pull up my socks and tie my shoe laces (I added in this part). Conf room is opened for studying! I can't wait to really study there...but why do I like that place so much? No place is better than my own room, with everything i need and the toilet just next door. Somehow i miss studying with her. I should be hating her right? Afterall that incident happened during the previous exams season. Argh....can't be bothered to think too much.

I'm falling sick soon! I can predict the future....its just a matter of time. I can feel the germs' ultimatum...wipeout!

I think this is very irritating. So irritating that no matter how much obstacles i face, nothing's gonna deter me from making this entry.

Just about one hour ago, i learnt a new lesson called respect. The subject wasnt me....everything was gathered from the point of view of a third party.

I went down for a jcrc briefing regarding some event. Guy A was a freshie, a new member of jcrc, giving the briefing. It was obvious that he was quite inconfident and nervous, given that this might probably be one of his first few times seeing us...and some of us being his senior somemore. Alright, after much dily-dalying, the briefing finally started. He started to talk about the timings, the stuff to do, etc. And right behind stood the jcrc president, with her arms folded and an impatient and pek-chek look. I think she couldnt take it anymore, so she opened her mouth and that marked the moment of a series of objections.

Guy A: Lets all meet at 9.30pm tmr night.
JCRC Pres: (to Guy A, in front of some 30 pple) Are you sure you want 9.30pm? I think 9.15pm. They need time to.........................blah blah blah.

Guy A: Alright then, 9.15pm. Block comm please meet at 9.30pm, then we start combing the blocks at 9.45pm.
JCRC Pres: Why 9.45 pm then start combing? The residence will.................................blah blah blah.

Guy A: Ok, 9.30pm start combing.
JCRC Pres: Then what abt the manpower? Have you allocated the manpower to.............blah blah blah.

Similar dialogues repeated, till she decided to shut that guy up and give the briefing herself. That guy, was standing in the middle, speechless, embarrassed, lost..... I felt so very much to stand up and say, " Miss President, can you just stop interrupting? Its very rude!" But i didnt dare. I also couldnt imagine what the repurcussions would be. Afterall, she's still the JCRC President.

My points were:
1. Decide everything before you give a public briefing. It reflects very badly on yourself and the guy that you all couldnt come to a consensus when you all are the JCRC!
2. You can bring the guy one side, talk to him all you want to talk abt, check his agenda. Its better than correcting every single thing he said right in front of everyone. RESPECT the others, be it your subordinate, a newbie and whoever.
3. What are you trying to achieve by interrupting a person's speech lidat? To remind all that you are the JCRC President, so you have the final say? Then why dont you give the briefing yourself. Or are you out to disgrace that guy on purpose? To show pple that he's incompetent lousy and you're the opposite?

Learn to respect others. If not, pple will not respect you. From that moment onwards, at least, she has lost my respect.

Missing calculator

Where did my calculators disappear too? I thot I just took them put 2 weeks ago? How could they have disappeared into thin air just like that? I've searched almost the whole house,unless they are hiding in some secluded corners that I've never known existed...which makes me qns why they would be there in the 1st place.

I'm not making a big deal out of a small issue. The real issue is: ITS ABSOLUTELY IRRITATING WHEN U CANT FIND STH! I still recall watching this episode of Doraemon where he conjurred a bottle of fluid which you can spray on all your belongings, such that when you cant find a particular object, all you have to do is to shout for it and it will call out to you. Isnt that cool and beneficial to mankind if such an invention really exists?

But for now, where are my calculators?

I dont like the way things are being handled. Stop thinking that you are that fantastic. Stop keeping me out of the picture and telling me that i'm in it. Give the people around you some respect, cos they've got minds of their own and they've got feelings too. The people here refers to me.

I don't want to make any more sacrifices anymore...at least not before the application results are out. Maybe i should learn to keep things to myself. I shall go ahead and do what i'm going to do. I'm going to wash my hands off the committee that begins with a capital "H" officially, cos i'm just pissed off. I'm going to be an irresponsible person from now on. If thats how they want things to be.

By the way, no more HMF1. I've decided to drop it. Hope i wont regret. By right, i have more reasons not to than to do so.

Till Sept, keep all my fingers and toes crossed. Good luck to me.

Instep or Havoc?

Havoc Camp started. Ended. Lost of beauty sleep. Lost of voice. Tts needless to say. There were things that weren't pleasant to my sight and required changes; matters i felt like voicing, yet i wasnt in the right position to do so. When the opportunity finally came for me to do some revolutions, its just too bad that i'm going to stare at it, leaving me.

I have planned ahead. And that was one of the few instances i reallie did. Cos i hardly do. But why must it be that way? I know there's no win-win solution to all matters. And humans are selfish creatures. But u cant always have your cake and eat it. If only we can.

Sacrifices are bound to be made whenever it comes to decision making. This is the 1st time (is it?) I feel the pinch and the pain. Ouch!

Senior Camp 2-fright night rehearsal

Senior Camp 2-fright night rehearsal just ended. I felt like i have wasted my whole afternoon and evening, doing nth but wait. Long waits after long waits, there were nth for us to do, cos we were not the group in charge of fright night.

The only fun thing that we did was making the cyalume straws with the syringe. It was quite fun, thou it made my hands glow. Haha. And apparently many years of biology didnt teach me to hold the syringe correctly. I thot my way of holding was correct? Hmm...

The walk itself was a bit scary. It wasnt the tasks we had to do, it was the sudden movements that the SMs made, that made me scream. This really goes to show that, apparently i havent been paying much attention during the meetings, cos i did not i know exactly what the tasks were, and what was going to happen next. But i guess its also because of that, i screamed quite a fair bit...and made the fright night rehearsal quite an actual one for me. Haha.

Yong Leong thot i was quite funny...cos i could be laughing, screaming and telling him to be careful at the same time. Hey! How could he make fun of me! I told him to be careful, cos i knew exactly (maybe not so exact) where the dangerous parts were. I laughed when i saw the familiar faces /heard the familiar voices of the SMs. And i screamed when they jumped out or shouted at me all of a sudden. I was genuinely afraid ok! Afterall, old CGH wouldn have been so 'famous' for no reason.

Today was not a very lucky day for Havoc actually. The moment we reached there, we saw a big family. We came to know that they have bought the piece of land where old CGH was standing. OMG! That means we may not be able to use it for actual camp. Their boss came down too.
Then the police came. Then the Ah Bengs came. Then the police came again. Then the Ah Bengs and Ah Lians came again. Finally the SPI came. That was a good series of interruptions. But anyway, we managed to clear the area by 12am. So i guess it was still alright.

Red Tea Jelly with Longan. Hmm...what so special and famous abt it? Nth special leh. Haha.

So thats the way u call welfare...i'm fine with that. I'm not angry. You believe? Of cos not...cos i'm lying through my teeth.

Its just a trip to Msia.
I'm just a Part time staff.

Its ok.

The happiest day and the saddest day.

Went to watch the NDP Preview. The turnout was uncountable. The fireworks were breathtaking. The marching and the formations were spectacular. The airshow was superb. And the performance was boring. Haha. I guess pple shared the same sentiments as many left in the middle of the perfromance.

It didnt occur to me that I was the culprit. All along i thot LZR was responsible for the incident that took place after the 1st group A mtg 1 yr ago...heaven knows i was part of it too. The news came like an asteroid hitting against me. I was crushed. Mentally. I cried very very hard. So hard, for once i felt like breaking down. I was totally drained, worn out, exhausted, whatever you can use to describe the fatigue.

I have never thot that I would be termed an irresponsible person...esp when it was only the 1st mtg...can u imagine the lousy impression i left on others? Forget abt whether i've changed for the better or whatsoever. Whats done couldnt be undone. If i were in MX shoes, i would nv forgive the person(s) that made me cry. Today we are such good frens...good group mates. To think she didnt take it to heart even thou i did hurt her before. One wouldn cry if he/she wasnt hurt. You undstd? If someone were to hurt me, i think i have the perfect reason not to forgive and forget.

Why wasnt i scolded for my behaviour then and there? I would have felt so much better. Or rather i wouldnt have felt so bad. So guilty. I cried not just becuase i made MX cry. I cried cos i was angry and disappointed with myself and childish, stupid, silly and foolish behaviour.

Havent had so much fun since heaven-knows-when. Went Plaza Singapura to do some shopping and to rent Archie comics. It so happened that my mp3 hung on me for no reason and it so happened that there's a Creative store at PS. Voila. Managed to get it fixed on the spot.

My main aim was to shop. So we headed for Far East by foot from PS to shop for shoes and tees. It was a fruitful trip as i managed to buy 2 tees and 1 pair of shoes. Sense of satisfaction-60%. To top up the remaining 40%, we went to Bugis Street to get 2 more tees. Haha. Just nice. 99%. The last 1% was one Unagi Sushi and some soup @ Sakae Sushi.

Wanted to catch a movie at TMall, but we were a bit late. So we went home. I got a cute handphone accessory. Great day!

Today i had my best driving lesson ever! Not cos i didnt stall, its cos i thot everything went rather smoothly.

Its for the 1st time i felt like i'm cruising in a car...wif me at the driver seat and my hands on the steering wheel.
Its also for the 1st time i felt the slight confidence in getting the vehicle moving. Goodness gracious, i even exceeded the speed limit of 60km/h on the road by 20km/h and i even got a chance to go to gear 4!
For the 1st time too, I drove past areas near my workplace, my hse, my sis's place, Daniel's place, my fave coffee shop...basically its a lot of places that i went to this afternoon.

When a guy likes a gal, he might confess to the gal.
When a gal likes a guy, she might never confess to the guy.
So what if this person makes it known to the others that he likes that person...pple have eyes to see, to judge whether this person and that person would make a compatible pair. Correct?
I'm glad there's someone who understands that person and can help that person make the judgement. Make your judgement known to this person. It would make the day of that person.

When one is busy, he always yearns for the time to rest. On the contrary, when one is so free, he wishes to be given some meaningful work to do. I dont like to waste my time doing meaningless things...but for my case, meaningless stuff is meaningful income. Understand?

Tues nite meeting...wed nite dance practice. I have hated dancing since Sec 1 cos i believed my dancing sucks big time. Till now, i still think i can't dance but yet i feel that dancing is fun. I can't believe that i can actually rmb the steps...i shall make it a point to practise consistently, so that i wont be the weakest link during the camp. But its always easier said than done. Haha.

Single...attached...married.

Why does it matter to pple so much? Shouldnt happiness be the most important thing in life? As long as you are happy, why bother about the relationship status?

I'm just wondering.

I have every right to say "This is unfair!!!" and pple have no right to stop me, cos I've just collected concrete proof of what is called unfair. Work hard, work hard, work hard. What's the point? Slack, slack, slack...and pple turn out better than you. Was it an issue of time or was it just a little pinch of luck?

Don't go overboard. Overcooked food doesn't taste nice. The nutrients will be gone, without you realising it.

End of PC show (41 units today, 81 units for past 3 days)

PC Show has ended. My legs are 'sour', my throat is sore and my ear drums have been very much shaken. Thanks to my brain. The 1st and last form of celebration was treating myself to one scoop of Macademia Nut Ice-cream at Haagen Dazs.

Its really tiring. Lessons learnt:
You dont know how tired your legs are, until you sit down.
Just like you dont know how hoarse you voice has turned into, until you really get to stop shouting and talk in a normal pitch and tone.

Attitude. This is the image you portray to others. According to dictionary.com, attitude is
1. manner, disposition, feeling, position, etc., with regard to a person or thing; tendency or orientation, esp. of the mind
2. position or posture of the body appropriate to or expressive of an action, emotion

I put in my heart and soul and whatever i have, in all i do. I believe there are pple who do so as well. But i hate it when you see pple giving the heck-care attitude. Stand and smile...chat...eat Pocky...SMS...I know there is no commission. But pls. Show some responsibility, cos afterall, you are paid. If they needed vases, they wouldnt have to pay $8/h/vase. Its far too costly.

Enough of the freebies and the headsets, the carrying-cases and Windows XP. These are the taboo words at least for a week. Enough of the nonsense from those AN and AT. This is not discrimination. But sometimes it just gets on your nerves that pple ask for things that irritates you and put you in a spot. And unfortunately, it really got sth to do with cultures. Nobody can stop me from stereotyping them, cos everybody showed the same pattern, and said the same thing! Heck. I have learnt to say the word "No" today, and i realised, amazingly, it worked!

Today's mode was tuned to 'slack'. But somehow i still managed to sell a considerably reasonable no. of units. Dunno why. Maybe it had sth to do with feng shui. Haha.

Will i be spotted at Dell again during the next PC fair? I doubt so. It takes me a while for the effects of fatigue to disappear and be erased from my memory. For now, all the memories from the SITEX 07 are back. Vividly.

Arh...my long awaited PC show...the tiring and leg-breaking day i've been looking forward to since heaven knows when. Pple question me...why do i like to do this kind of job? Why would i want to stand the whole day, talk the whole day and fake a plastic smile to people you don't feel like entertaining, or sometimes to people whom you are cursing and swearing furiously deep down inside? My ans is...i don't know too.

Today was busy.
To the extent that i didn't really eat lunch and dinner, if you were to ignore the little blueberry cream bun that i had at 6pm.
To the extent that i didnt have time for toilet.
To the extent that i kept one group of customers waiting while i served my other customers.
To the extent that i didn't even keep track of time.
To the extent that i didn't know how i survived today.

Tomorrow is another day of uncertainty. The target is a ridiculous figure of 20 sets. You think tts possible? You think laptops cost $129.90 instead of $1299? Its not easy earning pple's money, especially when you know that the stuff you are selling, is less competitive than the other brands.

Customers came to me with brocures from Acer and Compaq. They made me do the comparisons for them. Even Dell laptops from the retail booths are much more attractive than what we the direct sales are selling. How am i supposed to convince the customers when u realise that after matching all the specs, we are most expensive than the other brands? I don't cheat you see. I am a consumer 99.9% of the time. I understand how it feels when the $$$ figures stare at you. $200 difference is a difference! You can't tell pple, "oh, for that $200, you get to purchase a Dell laptop (and not any other brands) and you get to choose from 8 colours!" Cos i would rather keep my $200 and go for a normal-looking Compaq or NEC laptop, so long as the specs are good. Afterall, most laptops look normal. And same goes for their owners.

But then again, i'm ashamed that this year, we are selling notebooks with such outdated specs. I know they wanted to make the prices look attractive...but i could almost feel myself blushing everytime i mention the additional costs of upgrades to the customers. Because, after all the addition, its no longer seems that good and cheap a deal! And the best thing, once again, is us selling more expensive than our retail booth! I hate this. Why are we, the direct dealers, more expensive than the retail dealers!!! Its so irritating! Its as if we are driving away our customers...as if the non-casn & carry policy isnt doing so enough.

Oh well oh well. Thats sales. And of cos, you meet all kinds of customers. Humourous, not-humourous-but-try-to-act-humourous, cheapskates, wealthy, knowlegable, smart-alecs, friendly, arrogant...and many more. I can't help but reflect on which category i fall into 99.9% of the time.

I know we are paid. But we are workers, not slaves. The least those whoevers can do is to appreciate what we are doing for them. Its not my fault that customers take their time to make a decision. Mind you, its a $1000+++ deal that we are talking abt here. Esp in times of inflation and other rubbish, time for consideration is definitely necessary.

I didnt lose my cool. (When customers were around.)
I didnt lose my smile. (When customers were around.)
No matter how fake i look. (As compared to when customers are not around.)
Afterall sales is service.

End of Special Sem

Yeah. Special sem exam is finally over. Its hard, cos while pple are enjoying their hols, we the special sem-ers are working hard for that one exam. But i guess, its still more worth it, especially there's less things to cope with at a time. The STARS timetable for next sem is out, and i think it looked yucky. If only i'm not taking EEE...at least the module titles would look more interesting and "appetising". Haha. Thats just a thot that crosses my mind once in a while. Or shd i say many times in a while. LOL.

Tmr is the IT Show. The day i've been looking forward to. Its definitely not because i get to stand continuously for 9 hours or i have to explain the same things over and over again...its just because i like the nature of such job. Maybe its too soon to speak...but trust me. If i hadn't liked the kinda stuff, i wouldn't have dug my own grave. Who would do sth that they dun like? But then again, that person happens to be me again.

I hope that the PC show would be a fun one. :)

Interesting Pocky

With these exotic and interesting flavours...don't you feel tempted? And mind you...those Pocky didnt cost more than S$ 1.50. Don't u agree that we are deprived of right to cheap unique and yummy Pocky flavours?

http://search.live.com/images/results.aspx?q=pocky&FORM=BIRE

This is to tempt you even more.

4.07 am...a SMS woke me up. The reply is: I've gotten over it. I'm not sad. I'm just tired.

Sometimes we dont have a choice. And sometimes we are just fated not being able to accomplish certain things. What i am today isnt my choice and i hate to believe that that is MY life. I am a victim of the consequences attached to the choice of no-choice. You understand?

Wednesday is astro exam. After that, thou i foresee i would be even busier, i hope tts freedom.

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05 June 2008 . 1:13am

Results out. Disappointment.

Time after time, i've been questioning myself why is that so. Why am i always the weakest link? I know i'm in no position to say anything cos there are pple out there who have done worse and need more consolation than I do...but the point is everyone has different expectations. I dont see why should i be deprived of the chance to be sad, to lament about my results, to ask pple to console me. Just because i'm not as unfortunate as others?

Since day 1, i have been blaming everything on Earth that could be blamed. Why is life so unfair? Why cant we borned equal? Why cant we be at the very least, be appreciated of ALL our efforts?

I cant to bear to see my results cui-ing day after day. I dont even want to look at my results for the 2nd time. Whats the point?
Resolutions are always easier said than done. Mug at library everyday? Study hard? Bullshit. I might just scold anyone who dares to tell me i havent worked hard enough.

Maybe pple dont see my point. Maybe some pple never will. If only my blog is as unknown as some unknown pple's blogs...so that nobody will understand what i'm talking abt, so that i can truly vent all my frustration.

Its just minutes before the release of exam results. How do i feel? Nervous and all other asscociated terms in the thesaurus tt u can find.

Eve of Senior Camp

Tmr is senior camp. After having chaired part of Havoc's mtg for the last 3 weeks, things seemed to be roughly in shape. But the actual thing is always different from the ideal. Deviation is inevitable...it just depends on how much it will deviate from ideal. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that things won't spin out of control. The seniors are my friends...they won't make things difficult for me, will they? They won't give harsh criticisms and hurting remarks, will they? Very soon these questions will be answered.

I believe i would be able to handle...this is not a form of motivation, although apparently it it. I am ME and I know i am not a weakling. No matter what comes, I'll be able to handle fine. Besides, there's always the Havoc Tops to help me.

For now, I have to familiarise myself with everything. I can't make any blunder that will reflect badly on myself. No room for mistakes.

Today is the Eve of Senior Camp 1.

I was so very tempted to type the whole entry in chinese...but i dont see how i am able to accomplish it. So better not waste time.

My 3rd driving lesson le. I finally got onto the main road, but i really screwed things up by stalling the stupid engine twice. Consecutively somemore. Right smack in the middle of the big cross junction near Bedok Swimming Pool, where traffic was so heavy. Its just sheer luck i'm got many patient drivers behind the steering wheels of the many vehicles behind me.

I'm starting to doubt whether i have made the right choice in taking special sem. Pple around me are all working...while me...Given a timetable of Tues, Wed AFTERNOON lessons...what can i do? There's nth i can do.

I'm sick again. So sian. Everything is tasteless and odourless...i feel so sick. Life is as bland as plain water. Not even honey green tea can perk me up, cos i wont be able to taste it.

Don't feel like eating, cos i don't want to waste the nice food.
Don't feel like studying astro, cos i'm mentally exhausted.
Don't feel like watching tv, cos it makes me tired.
Don't feel like sleeping, cos i can't seem to fall asleep.
Don't feel like doing anything, cos there are too many things to be done.
Don't feel like typing anymore although there are so many things i feel like telling cos i'm too sick to do so.

Talk to me.

I hate hall

Staying in hall is so troublesome.

I really don't understand why the school is making things so difficult for us. We are paying them more than a thousand bucks a year, and there they are making things hard for us-their customers. What the heck. Firstly, they came up with the stupid idea of triple-sharing, without considering the welfare of the the students.You look at the size of the room. Having to house one more person is not just about that person. Its about adding an extra bed, extra table, extra cabinet and extra moving space, without compromising too much of that of the other 2 roomies. How is that possible? You can easily think about all the possible problems and unhappiness that would arise with your kneecap put on.

And then they thought of another stupid idea of the double-decker bed...those kind with a small pathetic table below. Who would want to be the 3rd person if he/she has to pay the same amount of $$$ as the other 2 roomies?

Fine. With or without the silent protest, the obviously-foolish plan was called off. So how? To make the now-happy students who were unhappy about the triple-sharing idea unhappy, they set the cut-off to be 15 points. That would make less than 10% of the hall-ites eligible to continue staying.

Whats the point of joining this and that, making ourselves busy like anything-you-can-think of ??? For that stupid recommendation letter-which requires you to write 450 words to explain everything on Earth, and requires you to go through whatever selection, interview and signing of contract. WHAT THE HECK! Seriously had it not been the fact that I live in Tampines, you think i would even bother to think about all these junk? I might as well just go to school and come back when school ends, like the times in Sec sch and JC. And pri school. What a nice name -discretionary list - where whether you stay in hall is up to the stupid hall's discretion. Its just plain threatening.

"It is compulsory for all successful applicants to attend all the hall activities held through the academic year.
2. Termination from hall will be considered if applicant fails to comply with any of the respective requirements as stated in their individual agreement.
3. All applicants will be monitored by the Hall Fellows, if performance deemed unsatisfactory their application will be revoked. "

This is ridiculous.

What about those people who can't multitask, who cant cope with academic work when they want us to join so many silly stuff? Maybe they would be terminated from school. Does it mean theat when that happens, they can continue to stay in hall? They didnt specify that you have to be an existing student of NTU to stay in hall in their clause, did they?

I am really angry. I don't like to be treated like dirt, or to put it in a nicer way, I like to be given respect. I think even spending $1000+++ for a handbag or for a pair of shoes or even donating it, would make me feel better...cos at least I feel the appreciation by the shop, by the people or at least, i own a new bag/pair of shoes...Right now...i yearn to see the day when there is just 10% of the total hall population staying in hall. But i know that day will never come.

No choice, i still have to fill in the application form and rack my brains for 450 words. When can i just quit hall, and totally exit myself from the stupid hall system?

Gross Sakae Sushi

Finally got to eat sushi wif mum and sis again...woo...so nice, but so ex. Due to INFLATION and the rising price of rice, sushi price up-ed form $1.99 to $2.29. Sian. The cashier was a noob, not knowing how to count, not knowing how to understand the promotions going on. In any case, it was my 1st time eating a gross salmon sushi too. The 1st and the last time. Yucks.

Went to check my eyesight, yeah, the degree dropped (or whatever u call that). But that also meant that no changing of specs this year. Haha.

So happy that the gathering @ Art of Music was postponed, thou i was really informed at the very last min by chance. I wasn't angry, i was happy! Think i really dun like the place, lol. Or maybe i really loved staying at home so much. Zzz, thats denial!

Managed to finally reformat my laptop, after the many hours of backing up. Have yet to bring the files back...so mafan. Sigh, stop procrastinating!

My 154th post...too bad it had to be an emo one. Last nite havoc mtg...my 1st time chairing a mtg. Seriously i wasnt very stressed, just that maybe i wasnt prepared and experienced enough. The tops and the commpointed out a lot of stuff...and i'm just too tired to think abt the stuff. Of cos i'm happy they made me the top of senior camp, but...its just very sian...cos there are so many things to be done and to be considered. Just typing the email to zk alone...i cant even managed to finish typing w/o feeling the urge to give up. Sigh. So much so for senior's camp...why are the seniors lidat? i mean arent they kind pple like the QPeeps and the JCRC pple? why must they be treated like the royals? Its purely cos of their expected behavious that i'm getting this humongous and tremendous stress.

I think i need to sleep soon.

I've finally made my 1st step! I've booked my 1st driving lesson @ Cathay Driving Centre, Bedok...this Thurs 7pm. ..$36/90min... lol...chialat, i think i'm going to be a noob cos i've clean forgotten all the FTT stuff...what clutch what gear...whats those? Haha.

In a dilenma

The email. Performing arts group sounds too nice too be true. Should i join? Is that a once-in-a-lifetime chance? But i don't want to be reminded of the past...of the place...of the events...of the people...and of him in particular...Just when i've decided to delete him out of my mind, my life...this stupid email popped out in my inbox...what should i do? Risk it? I know he'll join. I'm in a dilenma...will it affect my schoolwork? Will it affect my leisure? Will it affect my future?
As i've said, it seems too good to be true...cos there are just too many uncertainties.

09 May

A great game of badminton with Meixin, Marcus and Guoyuan...so great that my right arm aches now. I can't imagine whats going to happen tmr. I thot i would be late...turned out i was late alright, but i managed to be the earliest. Lol...and lotsa thanks to Marcus for the Honey Green Tea. I would like to clarify, i'm NOT the weakest link...it obviously wasnt me and i cant really blame the guys for having great arm power and better skills. Hmph. And it's a blatantly rude thing to get ur fren to takeover when one of us just rests for a while. And its even ruder to have ur fren and ur fren's fren to takeover the court, cos we paid for it and we weren't transparent. My point is: Its only courteous to ask. We needed some rest anyway.

08 May

Recording! Cool! For 2hrs, i was living in the world of Clip! and i was Annabelle again. Its weird to be singing those songs again, but its a nice feeling. I was even amazed at how differently i sound...the voice i hear of myself and my recorded voice. And its even funnier to hear my own singing. Its quite a shy thing. :) One more song to go...the wedding song. I can't wait for the whole cd to be ready. Haha.

Marina Sq wif MS and Wilson

Left: KBox Bill; Right: Me drawn by Mingshu

The craziest thing of the month: I suggested to meet at 10am at City Hall MRT this morning and i was not late! I know that's an almost impossible thing to be...but as i've said, its "almost"... there's still that slim chance. Lol.

Broke the record for lowest bowling score: 35! Somehow i'm just proud of this most-unproud thing. Whats there to hide? Its just me...with the plain facts. You can consider me the 2nd runner-up. The 1st runner-up was Wilson, followed by our new-born Bowling Queen Mingshu. Haha. We were the 1st 3 customers of Marina Sq Super Bowl by the way. Thank us.

It was amazing how i did such an accurate estimation of time, cos it was almost 11am by the time we finished our game and we were just nice for K @ KBox. I know the previous K trip was less than a week away, but K-ing is addictive...I can't help it right?! It was a much fruitful trip as compared to the prev one and...oh yah, come to think of it, I was K-ing the same day last year, just that then was my first time K-ing and it was at Party World Intl Bldg wif Sunway pple. Happy 1-Year Anniversary. Woot! Lunch was good anyway.

Updates

03May

Reckee trip with Meixin and Guoyuan. It was the happiest mtg i have ever had...maybe becos its so near home. Met at McDs...disucssed before we headed to Bedok to reckee the places for City Challenge. Of cos the funnest part was watching The Forbidden Kingdom. I was conned by the 2 of them tt we would be watching Iron Man instead of TFK. How gullible. Initially wanted to play badminton, but a pity all the courts were fully booked. Nice movie thou...and I wasnt referring to Iron Man. Rushed the City Challenge Draft 4...i suddenly appreciated all that Mx has done for us...and all that Zhirong hasnt been doing...I wasnt sure if i was slow or compiling a darft was actually not an easy task, cos i actually took quite some time at getting it finally done. It has always been mx doing the compilation, and me just typing the game play. This Tues-a mtg w/o mx, a mtg that zr is unsure of, a stressful mtg for me. But i believe all my efforts will pay off, cos i'm going to come up with a perfectest - if not, a nearest-to-perfect draft.

02May

Went out wif the QPeeps...for once i wasnt late...i mean i was supposed to be late, but somehow i was one of the earliest. Alighted from Train A tomeet Qifen at City Hall MRT and boarded back Train A before it could leave. Lol. Did nth much thou, just a nice-looking dinner, just some ok chilling and just some ever-shocking news, that really made me ponder, once again, how unfair life is.

Qifen's Dory

My Salmon

Singapore Sling

Day of celebration - end of exams

Finally the end of exam...dunno wats wrong with me...so many things on my mind...neither sad nor happy, just numb. Maybe cos i think i have done badly for all my papers. In any case, one can simply take away 20 marks from every paper (except 2001 where u have to take away 87 marks instead)...without even having to look at the script. Its that bad - just take my word. The stupid mistakes made were horrendous. Horrendously horrendous...which once again led me to question the fairness of life.

The conclusion: Life is Unfair.

Made a simulated life-n-death decision today - i've decided to move out of hall this hol! 15 May 2008...the last day for me to get kicked out of hall. Lol.

Our celebration plan today was very much delayed...all thanks to yours truly...and by stupid 179 that broke down.

Its fated...that Mingshu had to wait so long. Lol. Quite paiseh thou..cos i admit that i was the snail. Went to the 99c sushi outlet today with the Mingshu,Yee Siang and Wilson @ Jurong Sports Complex...cool! Haven't eaten sushi for such a long time!!! Actually not very long also lah...say arnd 2 weeks? Lol. But somehow, i just love sushi...and the craving is almost all the time.

Then we went to sing K at the so-called family style KTV near sch...i disagree wif the "family" cos the place is too ulu...and 'eerie'...is that the right word to use? Nobody really cared abt us...right from the moment we stepped to that place, which was considerably hard to find. Being operated by ATs...one shdnt expect any high standard either. The blackout as the circuit breaker was tripped was a mini-horrifying experience due to the weird nature of the place...can u believe we were the only customers they had? I wonder w/o us...would they reallie have zero KTV customer today? Nonetheless, despite all the cui stuff...the most non-noob happenings were that they had a time-based system and that their songs were actually quite new. New but not necessarily housing all the songs we wanted (or I wanted)...but its better than nth. Anyway, havent sung so much since the last K trip at the small Katong place. Thou i didn really sound up to standard...it was a good attempt anyway. Singing wif the pple i sang wif today was overall a fun thing.

Wanted to go bowling after that...but Mingshu had to leave early...and the place was so fully booked...so 2 games of daytona and a nice dinner at M Sq foodcourt wif Yee Siang were how we concluded our day of celebration. Cooking mama and a good nite's rest are what i need most now.

I saw him yesterday at Can5...the feeling was terrible. Pardon me for my poor english standard, i'm not able to describe my feelings with the mere limited vocab that i have. In any case, its weird and not like before. Thats when i finally stop doubting myself. I have to do sth soon.

Guai Gia got a blog

Crazy thing...how true is that?! Anyway, kudos to my dear Guai Gia #01...she finally got a blog...a pity i wasnt the first few to know...but its ok...better late than never.

Went to play badminton wif mum just now...we were so energetic during the 1st 30min...after tt we started to feel shag, and started to declare which were the serves that need not be served back. Lol. How funny! if only 2nd sis were there...it would be more fun! However, we managed to drag til 1h despite our fatigue...Anyway, my point is...i've aged! My stamina has worsened! What happened to me???

I'm disappointed with myself...especially everytime i think of the stupid EE2001 paper...I really dun understand since when i've became so stupid. Or have I never been smart before? And now...i still have an upcoming paper...but i just cant concentrate. All kinds of dumb distractions at home...DS, TV, laptop, bed...what else? Everything else! I told my mum tt i really have to go back to hall very soon...and she agreed, but the main reason is why has it become lidat? When i was still in NAS and Tj, i had no hall...why was it that i could manage to study then and not now? The problem lies in me! W-H-Y??? Damn me!

I dun understand why i'm being so negative these days...the best thing is i had to console pple around me who are sad when i am sad myself...i had to encourage pple when i'm a discouraged soul...what position am i in to be doing all those? Do i detect any bit of irony? But that doesnt mean that my consolations were all null...they came from my heart. To you who are reading my blog, i'm truly encouraging you. I know the stupid papers in ur stupid school are difficult...but i'm sure u'll still do well de :)

Maybe i'm seeing the worst of life...or i shd say the worse...cos the worst i'm sure has yet to come. Haiz...

Reminiscing

Listening to the soundtrack of Death Note...all of sudden i'm reminded of the time when i first heard the song...or rather the period of time. Was it just the start of my working life then? Or was it during Christmas last year when i hung out with Swee Hoon and crapped and sang and did stupid stuff tgther? It seems like every song in my folder gives me a special feeling...cos of the timethat is being associated. Like "Stef Sun-Yu Jian"...i can still rmb vividly the fanatic moments it caused in me and lam when we were in 3E1..."Candy Lo-Zhi Shao Zou De Bi Ni Zao"...shd be a song of early Sec 3 life...i think. I know this sounds cheeeeesy...but time really flies. Haiz.

I miss all the times in NAS and Tj. Sitting at the parade square every morning...talking or studying...it didnt really matter. Its the company we had and the nice memories it left behind. Trips to school every morning then have always been enjoyable. Even lessons (other than GP) were fun...Then someone who just completed her A-levels...in search of a part-time job...looking for nice english songs...and all sorts of fun...now someone who's withered due to exams and unnecessary stresses...sometimes i feel like crying when i hear the songs i used to listen. Life was so simple and happy then...its not like its not now. But it'll never be the same.

I'm not emo-ing...cos i dont emo. I'm just reflecting on my life.

The cui papers

Its in the midst of exams...Its the toughest period i'm going through ever...dunno why...maybe there are too many flaws and according to material science, flaws are stress concentrators. Plus the consecutive papers.

Unexpected and unhappy things happened right before the start of my 1st paper...luckily it didnt really impact much...then the worst paper in my whole life...EE2001. I hated the subject from the start...a smuch as I hated and feared circuits. 2 papers on 1 day wasnt really very encouraging as well. Anyway, I was so disappointed with myself. I thot i could do the qns...end up...i got the wrong ans. The more confident with their answers the people around me were, the more demoralised and discouraged I got. At one point i nearly felt like shutting the pple around me up. I felt so stressed and unwell...but who could undstd me? When i said i might do sth foolish...i really would...if i could surmont the courage i needed. But basically i think its the thot and the meaning behind it that counts...isnt it?

Its also the 1st time i felt the unfairness of life. I have proved that 'reaping what you sow' is an absolutely invalid and stupid statement. I dont believe i put in less effort than the people around me...but i just cant fathom why they all seemed to be doing better than me. Sacrificing my sleep and everything else just to study while others can happily sleep...the next day they come telling me you need sleep before exam...come on...i'm not an idiot. But i just cant afford to sleep early when i could make use of the time revising my lect notes.

I dunno how cui it will be for this sem...but i'm prepared for the worst. No point denying the facts.

Return of my entries

OMG! Its been almost half a year since i last blogged...i'm not sure why on earth am i making a comeback now when i should be spending my time with...my lecture notes! Lol. I know why...all because of my dear Geraldine's post abt our gathering...that served as a mini motivation. Yep! On 29 March we had a gathering...to celebrate the return of Eliza...Haha. The feeling was great of cos, esp for me since i donned my tj uniform, which i'm ever so proud of...My point is WE SEEMED TO BE STILL THE SAME despite the many changes that we know have taken place! Even the food in the hawker centre opposite tasted....the same? In any case, its cool! Haha.

Alright man, things have been changing and everything's moving on at the speed of light...no point making backdated entries cos theres just too much to be posted...maybe one day when i have the time...i might be updating this not-so-updated blog again. Haha...